Game Of Throne Winner: “Mhysa”

OK, so it’s the finale, and I’m giving an unconventional win! This week, I’m giving the win over to Gendry.


After learning that Melisandre and Stannis intend to burn him, Davos sticks the kid in a rowboat and sends him off. So, because he gets to live and it starts everyone’s favorite GOT meme, Gendry gets the win!

Runner up is Roose Bolton, I guess. Whatever.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They’re behind Dany in her “Mhysa” moment, so there’s that. In other shipping news, Gilly names her baby Sam, and Jon and Ygritte have the most awkward breakup in the history of time. But he does say that he really loves her, so there’s that.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa is still not being raped by Tyrion! She’s also making adorable revenge schemes for people that are mean to them. Also, Shay tells Varys that she’d do anything for Sansa, but it’s still, like, not a great set up for her. (Very true)

Arya Badass Watch

Arya and The Hound kill some guys who were bragging about their part in the Red Wedding. It’s ridonkulously badass.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Bran meets up with Sam and Gilly and they all talk about the White Walkers.

Tywin Schools Joffrey

“You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without supper” Seriously, this rewatch has made me really miss Tywin’s witty, terrifying presence on the show.

OK, you guys, that’s it. I’ve now declared winners for EVERY EPISODE THAT EXISTS. And we’re not getting anything new until June. It’s going to be a long wait, and I might do something with the books in the meantime, but I’m not sure what that’s going to be yet!

Valar Morghulis everyone.


Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Bear And The Maiden Fair”

Easy enough winner this time. This week’s winner is Jaime Lannister!


Jaime has a nice long talk with Qyburn and realizes that he needs to go back and save Brienne. He does, and they fight a bear together, and then he says he’s taking her back to King’s Landing and so begins the best maybe a romance, but not really in all of Game of Thrones.

Runner up goes to Dany, who’s just being a boss all over Yunkai. She has zero time to for any of their bullshit.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Missandei is doing very well in her stand next to Dany and recite titles role. Grey Worm is doing very well in his stand and look bad ass job. They are not in love yet.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

No agency for Sansa, Margaery does try to help her reframe her marriage to Tyrion. And also hits on her a little, I think? I’ve been spending too much time in feminist online forums I think.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya has one badass moment in this episode. She states that The Red God is not her one God and when Thoros asks her who her god is, she says quietly, intensely, insanely badassly “DEATH.”


Who Was Jaime A Dick To?

Jaime is a dick no more my friends. I’m going to have to get rid of this feature. I’m going to miss it a lot.

Robb Is A King And Kind of Bad At It

UGGGGHHHH. He’s going to the Twins, and he’s making Edmure marry a Frey. And it’s all SO DUMB. And then he’s all, having really hot sex with Talisa, and she tells him she’s pregnant and it’s just, so much NOOOOOOO!

Tywin Schools Joffrey

This is a new feature, because if I couldn’t talk about it in another forum, I would literally give Tywin every win. This time he basically tells Joffrey that he, Tywin is the one really in charge here. Joffrey is nothing. He’s garbage.

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Climb”

Hmm, who wins this time? Not Sansa, that’s for sure. Also not Theon, if we’re being totally honest. Or Tyrion, or Cersei, or Loras. I guess Tywin. Tywin gets what he wants.

Yay Tywin

Tywin Lannister

He convinces Lady Olenna that Loras has to marry Cersei, Tyrion that he has to marry Sansa. And he does it all like a total boss. I mean, look, I’m pretty sure on rewatch, he’s my favorite character.

Runner up goes to Ygritte, who got to live her dream of climbing the wall and seeing the whole world spread out before her. And then she gets to make out with Jon Snow.

Ygritte’s pretty lucky.

Grey Worm And Missandei Watch

They aren’t in this episode. But the Jon and Ygritte kiss makes up for all other shipping deficiancies in the episode.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

All of Sansa’s agency is about to go down the toilet. Or even more down the toilet. But wow is this a good episode for Sophie Turner, her awkward conversation with Loras about their wedding is adorable. Her little scene with Shae about her dress is perfect, and her sobbing as she looks at Little Finger’s ship is unreal.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya shoots arrows with the Brotherhood without banners. Then she yells at everyone when they give Gendry to Melisandre. It’s pretty great. I love them so much.

Who Was Jaime a Dick To?

Roose Bolton! Jaime was a dick to Roose Bolton. Who is the only Bolton in the episode. Yuppers. There’s absolutely not another Bolton running around at all. (I’m in denial)

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Meera and Osha fight about rabbits, and also Jojen has a vision of Jon. So there’s that.

Game of Thrones Winner: A Man Without Honor

Oh God, this was a really easy pick, and, I keep forgetting how much I love this season. Just in general, it’s all so wonderful.

But by far, this winner is Cersei.

Cersei Lannister

Which isn’t really fair, since it isn’t so much that Cersei won, so much as Lena Heady is so good in this episode that it’s impossible to ignore.

First off, Sansa gets her period and Cersei is vulnerable and honest with her for probably the first and last time ever. She tells her that she doesn’t need to love Joffrey, but she will love his children. This is neither the first nor the last time that Cersei points to motherhood as woman’s refuge from, well, everything.

She also talks to Tyrion about their loss of control of Joffrey. I’m just saying that this is when I started really admiring they way they made Cersei human around this time. She’s still evil, but she’s not a monster, she’s a person. I’ve described her as someone who’s been banging her head against a patriarchal brick wall, and failing miserably. It’s why she’s so threatened by Margaery, who easily navigates through those waters.

But we’re not there yet.

Runner up is Shae, who tries to help Sansa hide her period, so that she doesn’t have to marry Joffrey. Shae is the best.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Good Handmaiden died when Dany’s house was raided. Doreah is missing. Her blood riders are dead. She needs the two best now. In other shipping watch, Ygritte is trying real hard to get into Jon’s pants in these episodes. Ygritte is great. Jon is adorable. So much love.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa is have PTSD dreams about her attempted rape, which isn’t fun, but she does try to hide her period from Cersei. With Shae’s help. Her conversation with Cersei is an incredible exercise in grace and poise though. Sophie Turner, also really good in this episode.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya comes up with a cover story so that Tywin stops trying to figure out who she is…I’m pretty sure he knows who she is. He mentions that Arya reminds him of Cersei. This is meant as accomplishment, but Arya does not take it as one.

Who Was Jamie A Dick To?

Oh, just everyone. There was that cousin, who he killed. Then the Karstark kid, who he killed. Then Cat, who he antagonized before she set him free. Just, he’s a huge dick to everyone.

Robb Is A King And Kind of Bad At It

Uggghhh, more stupid Theon stuff that’s the result of Robb being terrible at being a King. And he brings Talisa to a surrender meeting. Which is a dumbass move of the highest level.

Game of Thrones Winner: “Garden of Bones”

As this episode started I wasn’t sure there would be a clear winner, because it’s one of those mid season, scattered all over the place table setting episodes. But then I remembered who won this episode a million times over.

Tywin fucking Lannister

Tywin Lannister

As Gendry is about to be tortured at Harrenhall (and let’s face it, Arya is probably next) Tywin comes riding in and just Lannisters all over the gods damned place! He says sassy things to the idiots who are torturing everyone. He notices Arya is a girl, he gets shit done.

Seriously, rewatching this seasons, I’m greatly appreciating Tywin. He’s sort of the best.

So congratulations, Lord Tywin Lannister of Casterly Rock, you won this episode by being a total freaking bad ass.

Runner up goes to Margaery, who zinged Little Finger but good. Good for her.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Khaleesi got to Quarth this episode, which is a step closer to our favorite couple. Or, my favorite.

Sansa Agency Watch

Look, this is not a great time in the story for Sansa’s agency. Basically this episode she gets beaten and stripped by Ser Meryn at Joffrey’s behest. It’s…not great. But we do get the first instance of her realizing how powerful she can be. When Tyrion asks if she wants out of marrying her tormentor, she holds her head up, musters her dignity and says simply, “I am loyal to Joffrey, my one true love.”

“Lady Stark, you may survive us yet.”

And then some.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Not a lot of action from Arya, but her list grows a lot. And she’s gonna start learning from Tywin, which will be big for her.

Who Was Jamie A Dick To?

Still no Jamie. He is….not in this season a whole lot it turns out. This segment is not going well.

Robb is A King And Kind of Bad At It

Robb met Talisa this week, which leads to him questioning what needs to be done when it comes to kinging. And she of course leads to the worst part of him being bad at being a king, that is breaking his vow to Walder Frey thus causing The Red Wedding and everything bad and horrible.

Just as a quick note, this is around the time in the show when the nudity goes from “porny and exploitative” to “violent and disturbing.” Not yet, “violent, disturbing and exploitative” though, because we haven’t met Ramsey.


Game of Thrones Winner: “The Pointy End”

So much tension in these episodes. The war of the five kings, that isn’t called that, and is right now just a bunch of battles between The Starks and The Lannisters is in full swing, and Tyrion and his ragtag band of scrappy fighters are starting to get their act together so that’s fun.

But this not quite a war leads to this week’s winner.

Robb Stark!

Robb Stark

Robb gathers the northern bannermen and gets them on his side by attacking them with his direwold. (Greywind? I think that’s his wolf’s name.) Also he reminds Bran that it’s his responsibility to rule Winterfell and take care of Rickon.

Who, has a prophecy, I think, because he knows that their whole family is going to die, and it’s really quite upsetting.

But Robb is kind of the man in this episode. He probably has a few more wins in him as time goes on, but he, like so many others, is not long for this world.

Runner up goes to Ser Barristan who gets the best exit ever, when Joffrey fires him from the Kingsguard, and also gets out of that whole mess before everything gets really bad. Of course he goes to Mereen, where things are arguable worse, and also he gets killed, but still. Doesn’t have to watch the Joffrey reign of terror, which is nice for him.

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch

This is the first instance of Dany freeing slaves because it makes her very uncomfortable to watch the khalasar rape random people when they conquer a village. This connects directly to her freeing other slaves later, which is how we get Missandei and Grey Worm. So, that’s what we’ve got going on there.

Sansa Agency Watch

Wow, does Sansa do a lot of things this episode! The problem is that she’s mostly doing them at Cersei’s behest, but she writes Robb a letter, asking him to come to King’s Landing and bend the knee to Joffrey, then she begs for Ned’s life, which probably would have worked if Joffrey weren’t, you know, Joffrey. And she did that all on her own and was pretty cool about it. Yay! Go Sansa!

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya gets her final dancing lesson, and it’s really, really hard for me to watch, but great, because she refuses to run away and leave Syrio on his own, even though, if he’d had a real sword instead of a practice sword, all them mofo’s would be dead.

Instead Syrio is dead and we will miss him. Also, Arya runs away and no one knows where she is for like 4 seasons now.

Who Was Jamie a Dick To?

No Jamie again. But we hear about him leading battles and I presume, being a dick while doing it. Also Barristan mentions that whole “killing Aerys Targaryen” thing, which, you know, let’s remember that he’s a dick, and has been one for a while.

Game of Thrones Winner: “You Win Or You Die”

You guys! I hadn’t actually watched the show in a few weeks, because I’d been all ahead of myself and junk. Which is largely a good thing, except that I almost forgot about, you know, having to watch the episodes. Since it had been three weeks since I’d watched an episode.

Anyway. Let’s talk about “You Win or You Die.”

It took a bit of thinking but I decided very clearly that I think Jon Snow won this week.

Jon Snow

Jon finally got to take his vows as a man of the Night’s Watch, and converted Sam to the old gods, and got his place as steward to The Lord Commander, which he did not think was a good thing until Sam explained to him that it meant he was being groomed for command.

Look none of this worked out super well. But hey, it was a nice thought on Mormont’s part, I guess.

Runner Up goes to Danerys, who didn’t die, because Jorah is a boss. (And knew the plan to poison her, as he was a part of it. Also she convinced Drogo to get her the Iron Throne.

Also wound up not quite working out, but it’s still a nice thought.

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch

If Grey Worm had been there when that whole “poisoning” thing went down, that merchant would no longer have a head.

I really can’t wait until we get to the Unsullied.

Sansa Agency Watch

No Sansa this week, but Little Finger told Ned he should just let her marry Joffrey. Ehh, no.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

No Arya this week. The episode is poorer for it.

Who Was Jamie a Dick To This Week?

Um, no one really. But we did meet Tywin. Tywin that beautiful bad ass who I forgot we met while he was butchering a freshly killed deer and bossing Jamie around. Even Jamie doesn’t have the cojones to be a dick to Tywin. Only Tyrion, really.

I also miss Tyrion.

Tommen Baratheon: Character Winner For “The Breaker of Chains”

A lot of really cool things happened on last night’s Game of Thrones. Nothing quite as game changing as last week, but most of it was fairly interesting, and gave us some insight into characters and motivations. But, in spite of the awesomeness of Podrick and Tyrion’s conversation in Tyrion’s cell, Sansa’s escape at the hands of Littlefinger, and Samwell Tarley installing Gilly as a maid in a brothel (to save her from be raped by the men of the Night’s Watch? Or something, Sam’s logic is flawed here…) This week’s character winner is Tommen Baratheon (Lannister).

Tommen Baratheon

Tommen is now the King, and he’s decided that he’s going to be a better king than his brother. He’s also, frankly, kind of adorable. Look at that baby face!

Now granted, a trained monkey would be a better king than Joffrey, but it’s nice that Tommen understands this. He’s weaker than Joff in a lot of ways, and as he’s younger, he’s going to be easier for his mother, uncle, “uncle”/father and grandfather to control, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Also, the conversation he has with Tywin regarding what makes for a good king and why he must marry is one of the best talk based scenes the show has ever done.

The mood was almost immediately destroyed by Jaime raping Cersei on the floor of the sept next to Joffrey’s dead body.

Stay classy, Game of Thrones, always stay classy.

But congratulations King Tommen, may you quietly rule Westeros until Daenyrs gets her act together and kills you with dragon fire.