Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Bells”

I spent a lot of this episode going, “YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DID NOT!”

And then sighing.

Because the mother fuckers, indeed did.

Anyway, who’s our winner?

Sandor Clegane, because he helps Arya keep her humanity, and her life, by facing down his brother. He kills his brother which is nice. As you know in these final few seasons, when someone meets a goal, they get the win. Even if they die doing it.

game-of-thrones-hound-1557418129.jpg

So, good for you, Sandor Clegane, The Hound. You’re the winner this week. Also RIP. (Further RIPs, below.)

Runner Up Is Arya, you ride that horse right home to Winterfell and your man and your sister, girl, you do it NOW.

Arya And Gendry Watch

No Gendry. From a ship perspective this might be the worst episode of the whole series. Jaime and Cersei die together. (BOOOO) Missandei is dead and Grey Worm does not get nearly enough screen time to mourn the woman he loved properly. Jon and Dany had the most awkward breakup ever.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

No Sansa, but the legacy of her being kind of a big mouth is a big driver of this episode.

NO YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DID NOT

Varys’s death is a really fuck you moment for me. Honestly, last week was a big turning point for my relationship with this show, which I have loved so much over the past few years. It’s looking like this is not going to pay off and I’m bummed about it. Varys rules and that was a shitty death for a character that rules so hard.

RIP Varys, also RIP Jaime and Cersei and the Clegane brothers and like half the population of King’s Landing.

Next week is the last episode. I’m kind of, you know, whatever. It’s fine. This will be over soon.

Game of Thrones Winner: A Broken Man

There was a clear winner this week. Very clear. I don’t like it and you probably don’t either.

But this week’s winner is The Waif.

The Waif

Smug Bitch

The Waif stabbed Arya in the gut. I forgot for a minute that we were watching New Thrones, and thought that they might actually kill Arya. Early Thrones absolutely would have killed her. But right now she’s wandering around Braavos, bleeding from the gut. And The Waif did it, and she’s clearly very happy with herself.

The runner up is Davos, who made a new Princess Friend in Lady Lyanna Mormont. Seriously, dude is good at talking to tough little girls. It kind of makes me wish that Davos had met Arya at some point along the way.

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch

The only shipping stuff that happened this week is that we’re a step closer to Brienne and Jaime being in the same place again.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

“You’re a Bolton, or a Lannister, I’ve heard conflicting reports.” “I did what I needed to do to survive”

And with that Sansa has reframed her story and not a minute too late. She also signs a letter “Sansa Stark” and brands it with the Direwolf sigil. She’s a Stark now, and forever. I do wonder who she’s writing to. Brienne? Little Finger? Lord Robyn? The Blackfish.

Arya Badass Watch

Not so good, what with the being stabbed in the gut and all.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

No movement here this week. Instead we get a really cool showdown between The Kingslayer and The Black Fish. It’s really, really cool.

King Tommen The Adorable

Not in the episode. But he did complain to the High Sparrow about Margaery not having sex with him anymore. Which is less adorable and more, well, teenage boy of him. But he was supplanted by Lady Lyanna Mormont, who was both cute and fierce, like a tiny Tiger Cub (or bear cub, I guess, because Mormont…)

Kingsmoot

So Yara’s a lesbian? This is new information. Anyway, she and Theon are headed to Mereen, hoping to get to Dany. I somehow see Dany being super into helping Theon. She likes revenge scenarios and that’s what Theon needs.

Oh and hey The Hound is Back and Ian McShane was around for five whole minutes before the Brotherhood Without Banners killed him. Again..um, maybe Lady Stoneheart.

Game of Thrones Winner: “Blackwater”

God, I’d forgotten what a truly spectacular episode of television “Blackwater” is. It’s so tight, and perfectly executed, and watching it again, I’m really sad that Michelle McClaren is not directing Wonder Woman any more, because MY GOD can the woman execute a battle scene.

Anyway, the winner! Let’s talk about that.

This week’s winner is Sandor Clegane, also known as The Hound.

The Hound

Clegane defies the King to stay and fight at The Battle of The Blackwater. He challenges Bronn to a duel, and then decides that it’s time for him to leave, and asks Sansa to leave with him. (The Hound is kind of in love with Sansa, it’s probably the closest to traditional courtly love we see in this universe.) Basically, he wins because he does what he does best, survive and be a badass.

Runner Up is Shae, who does what she can to keep Sansa sane, during the weirdest drinking game ever.

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch

No Dany. No movement here. We are SO CLOSE to meeting the unsullied y’all. I’m pretty excited about this.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

All hail Sansa Stark, Queen of Snark! Sansa gets two of her best zingers in this episode. “I will pray for your return, My Lord, just as I pray for the kings,” to Tyrion, and of course, “They say my brother Robb goes where the fighting is thickest, and he’s only a pretender.” To Joffrey. DARING HIM TO DIE. It’s amazing. Then, when she’s holed up with Cersei, she holds her own. (By the way, Drunk Cersei is the best, always will be.) Then she comforts the other women as they fear they’re about to be raided. And she refuses to bend to The Hound. Lots of good Sansa action.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

No Arya this week. But! The Hound leaving leads to Arya and The Hound road adventures. It’s pretty great.

Who Was Jamie A Dick To This Week?

No Jamie this week. So he was not a dick to anyone.

Robb Is A King And Kind of Bad At It

No Robb this week. So, no bad kinging. But Cersei almost poisons Tommen, so that’s like, a terrible decision on par with Robb being terrible at being King. Sort of!