Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Last Of The Starks”

No one wins.

NO WINNER.

Screw you.

You don’t kill my girl and get a winner.

But if I had to pick it would be Brienne.

Or Gendry.

They both got everything they wanted for a hot second, and then not so much.

But seriously. Fuck you.

Instead of a winner, it’s just RIP Missandei.

May your badass bestie and boyfriend avenge you.

MIssandei

Rest In Power

Arya And Gendry Watch

Gendry is the Lord of Storm’s End. He asked Arya to marry him which is adorable. She said no, because of course she did. Then she rode off with the Hound. They’re off to King’s Landing. I assume so he can kill his brother and she can kill Cersei.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa’s running The North, and she’s taking no shit from anyone. She squares things with The Hound, and with Jon, and in the end even tells Jon’s secret to Tyrion, because I don’t know, whatever. She doesn’t care. She’s gonna get hers. She’s earned it.

Arya Badass Watch

Headin’ to King’s Landing to go Cersei Hunting. I am on board. Cersei can suck all the dicks and die in a fire.

#NotAStark #NotABastard

Cat’s out of the bag, on this one. Dany asked Jon to tell NO ONE AT ALL. He said, “I have to tell my sister/cousins!” She’s like, “Sansa will use that to keep me from being queen you beautiful idiot!” And Jon just tells anyway, because, *sigh.* Anyway, he’s riding to King’s Landing, and also Rhaegal is dead (for real this time.)

Brienne Gets Some

Not going to recur, but Brienne got some! WITH JAIME. Way to get some Brienne! Also, good for Jaime, this was the first non twincest sex he ever had. Then he had to go and blow his chance at happiness, because you know prophecy and destiny.

I Am Team Varys, and Why Aren’t You?

Varys, as always, is backing many horses. He appears to be #TeamJon at the moment. But you never really know with him. But he tends to be right, so I’ll just back his play.

We have two weeks left.

I’m not OK.

BUt You know, whatever. Here we are.

I’m pretty angry about this one, y’all.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms”

Did, did I win this episode, you guys? Because it was pretty much everything I wanted it to be.

But, no, I didn’t win. There’s a clear winner here, y’all.

Rise, Ser Brienne of Tarth, Knight of The Seven Kingdoms.

JAIME KNIGHTED BRIENNE. And he did it after a knight of drinking and storytelling with Tyrion, Davos, Tormund and Podrick.

It was fucking beautiful and I was crying my eyes out. Also on the Brienne and Jaime front, he was only not executed by Dany and Sansa because Brienne spoke up for him, and Jaime noted that he had every intention of following her into death.

Yeah. You guys. That’s how you do it.

Sansa gets runner up, for reasons I will further outline below, but seriously, I also love her.

Arya And Gendry Watch

Welp, it happened. Arya Stark marched her cute little butt into that smithy, and told that hotty royal bastard boy she’d always had a crush on that she wanted to lose her virginity before being killed by ice zombies and sex was had, sass was shared and true love won! (In notes on this previous feature, Grey Worm and Missandei made plans to return to the summer isles after the war is won, because Westeros is hella racist.) (They’re going to die, and I’m not going to be able to handle it, especially since this weekend Captain America is also probably going to die, and you know what, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Quick reminder that the only reason anyone is still alive is because the northerners really really like Sansa. Theon came back to pledge for her, and Dany and she made peace (though we’ll get back to that whole mess in a hot sec) and she forgave Jaime because Brienne is a good judge of character, and everyone just went along with it.

Sansa rules.

Arya Badass Watch

I love her. I love her so much. I love her shooting arrows and straight up telling Gendry she wants to have sex. I love her demanding he build her weapon before anyone else’s, and that he tell her about the Night King and the White Walkers. She’s great.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Kiss today goodbye
And point me toward tomorrow
We did what we had to do
Won’t forget, Can’t regret what I did for love…

(Bran’s entire storyline would be more compelling if he were singing showtunes the whole time.) (Also, he forgives Jaime, I guess, or whatever. And he realizes that he’s who the Night King is after.) (Whatever.)

#NotAStark #NotABastard

Dany was having come to Jesus moments with the Winterfell kids all over the place. Jon’s being very awkward, now that he knows she’s his aunt and also that his claim to the throne is better than hers, and he tells her. While standing in front of Lyanna’s tomb, right before the horns blow and the dead descend on Winterfell.

It’s a really good ending.

Sam Is A Ravenclaw

In the most Ravenclaw move ever, Sam hands Heartsbane over to Jorah, a Gryffindor if ever there was one on this show, (Besides Jon and Robb.) and brags about his book stealing.

In Westeros, We Don’t Shake Hands, In Westeros We Hug

So, it appears this season is going to be largely about heartwarming reuinions and hugs. This week, Jon and Sam hugged Edd, and Tormund. Sansa hugged Theon and Dany, I think. Brienne was definitely mentally hugging Jaime, and probably other things.

On A Scale Of Aragorn’s Speech Before The Gates Of Mordor To Sansa Being Raped While Theon Watches How LOTR Was This Episode?

It was somewhere in between the scene in the extended edition where Faramir sees Eowyn for the first time and Jon drawing his sword as the Bolton army charges at him.

Next week, well, it’s what it is right? It’s the battle. Things are about to turn. But it shouldn’t be lost on anyone that the seventh book that we’re likely never going to get to read, is entitled, “A Dream Of Spring.” Maybe it’s just the Easter feels, but I think even if “The Battle Of Winterfell,” is a loss, Westeros and mankind will make it to the Dawn and Thaw.

You Win Or You Die: Game Of Thrones Seasons 1-4

I rewatched the first four seasons of Game Of Thrones this past week. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to but then I started reading “get caught up articles,” and decided that I’d just watch again, because I have a problem, and also I’m out of Marvel movies, so you know what? Fine.

I hadn’t wanted to rewatch because it felt a little like a chore and I’m trying not to do that sort of thing anymore. And it’s not as though I haven’t given Game Of Thrones it’s due on this blog.

I’ve given hours upon hours and post after post of attention to Game Of Thrones. Once when I was late with getting a write up done because I was away on a Sunday night, a friend texted me and said, “Hey, I’m sure you’re busy but I really need to know who won last night!” I’ve had friends stop talking to me entirely during the season because I’m so bad at keeping in my excitement about upcoming plot points. (Hi Greg! Hope you’re having fun on your honeymoon!)

I’ve read the books twice and listened to their audio versions once. I’ve seen each episode of the TV show more times than is normal. (I’m still on the low end for nerds, but for normies, I’m basically a walking encyclopedia) I’ve dressed up as Maergary Tyrell and Sansa Stark and am currently considering investing in Daenerys Targaryen.

love Game Of Thrones. 

But last year, we all took a break. And I realized, this weekend, that rewatching to get back into the headspace of Westeros after nearly a year off, that I actually really needed the revisit, if I didn’t want to spend the seven upcoming Sunday evenings scouring my old writing for details, because there was some shit that I forgot about.

First of all, Seasons 1 & 2 of Game Of Thrones are so astoundingly well written, shot and acted, it’s really no wonder the show gained such traction. It’s really really stinking good. Season 3 is around when the seams start to crack. It’s still quite good, but it’s also probably my least favorite season, which might contribute to why I think it’s where the show changes from tightly written to a bit more sloppy. Season 4 is wonderful. It’s goofy and kind of dumb and really really into itself, but wonderful, and I love it very much.

But let’s start with season 1. The Westeros stuff is a tightly plotted mystery, tense, full of shifting alliances and bad choices and deep regrets from long ago shaping a present and future that’s completely untenable for a new generation. The Stark children and Joffrey Baratheon can’t breathe let alone thrive,they’re crushed by the weight of their parents guilt and secrets. It’s a hell of a way to start a story. Meanwhile, Danerys Targaryen is just learning that she’s a person, not a commodity or a accessory and it’s a wonder. Plus there are zombies and NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

Season 2 is equally excellent, if harsher. We’re at war now, and it’s brutal, bloody and complicated. I love Season 2, not only because it contains my all time favorite episode of television, “Blackwater.” Everything that builds to that moment, Renly and Stannis’s conflict, Arya and Tywin at Harrenhall, even Jon’s escapades north of the wall and Dany’s adventures in Quarth, makes the tension of the episode better. “Blackwater” is a perfect episode of TV, and everytime I watch it, I’m reminded of why.

I really don’t like season 3. I mean, I like it fine. It’s still got some good stuff, mostly the Jon and Dany action. But Robb’s storyline is all wrapped up in Talisa, which is a bad bad storyline, we get the Theon being tortured by Ramsey stuff, which is important but dull and repetetive, Sansa’s misery is at it’s peaks and valleys worst. (She’s doesn’t have to marry Joffrey! He’ll probably rape her anyway. She’s going to marry Loras and escape to Highgarden! She marries Tyrion instead. Tyrion’s looking out for her though! Little Finger keeps whispering in her ear to get her away.) Dany’s time in Slaver’s Bay is wonderful, fully pushing her brutal black and white sense of justice to the edge. And Jon’s storyline, working with the Wildlings and his affair with Ygritte is the best he gets over the course of the whole show.

I think there’s also some weirdness for me watching these early seasons again because my time with the show really started blooming in Season 4. That’s when I started crowning winners, really tracking the show in the kind of regular fashion that y’all have become accustomed to. Which was actually fun for me, as I started Season 4 on Monday. I smiled, as the familiarity with those episodes sunk in. The things I’ve come to love in the back half of the show, Missandei and Grey Worm, Cersei’s further unraveling, King Tommen The Adorable, #NotAStark, these things come into focus really quickly in Season 4.

Season 2 is my favorite season of the show, with 1 and 4 vying for second place. Next week I’ll talk about the final three seasons and we’ll all have some fun there. If you’re interested in my Game Of Thrones writing, there’s a shit tonne of it.  

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Dragon And The Wolf”

I hate this.

Every year, I hate this. I hate when the show ends, and this year, it’s even shorter and I don’t even have any episodes in the backlog to do winners for.

I’m gonna have to read the books again, and I’m still smack dab in the middle of The Stand, so I don’t think that’ likely to happen soon.

Anyway, who won?

The Stark Girls. Obviously.

Arya and Sansa

Because, look, these two finally learned to work together. AND THEY CUT LITTLE FINGER’S THROAT.

So he’s finally gone. And it’s at the hand of the two people who have more cause to do it than anyone else. Although, all of Westeros deserves a chance to spit on his corpse since every current non White Walker problem is pretty much all his fault.

Anyway, WAY TO GO Sansa and Arya, I think I could watch that scene of the two of them on top of Winterfell over and over again. (I’ve already watched it twice.)

Runner Up is a certain King In The North, who is also uh, you know, AEGON TARGARYEN THE TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They’re around and alive. Good.

JON AND DANY HAD SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He defied Cersei for her. AND THEN THEY HAD SEX. She reminded him that she can’t have children. He said that maybe that wasn’t the case. AND THEN THEY HAD SEX.

The point is they had sex.

OH, in other shipping news, Brienne convinced Jaime to do the right thing.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

See above.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

See above.

Bran Stark’s The Three Eyed Raven’s Excellent Adventure

Bran and Sam compared notes and learned the full truth about Jon’s identity. Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love and married, in a secret ceremony right out of the ending of Episode II. (Seriously…if you didn’t get Anakin and Padme vibes from the scene…) Jon is not a bastard, he is actually Aegan Targaryen, the heir to iron throne.

This is complicated for a lot of reasons…

#NotAStark #NotABastard

So, Jon and Theon have a long talk about Ned being a part of them, so I feel like that might come home to roost at one point.

Oh, also HE AND DANY HAD SEX! Did I mention that part? And we saw Kit Harrinton’s butt. Which is always a nice trick.

Sam is A Ravenclaw

I’ve decided because it was Sam’s book learnin that gave us our final answer.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Jaime did the right thing! He’s riding north to help in the big fight. He’s leaving Cersei behind. He’s honoring his vow to Dany and to Tyrion and YESSS!!!!

The Dragon Has Three Heads

The two heads boned. Dany and Jon had sex.

The other head, rode his GODDAMN ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON to the wall, and had his ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON blow a hole in said wall. He’s marching to Winterfell.

RIP

Little Finger. FINALLY. I won’t miss him. I’ve spent this whole season wondering, “why the hell is this guy still alive?”

So What Comes Next?

I don’t know. I have a few ideas. I think I need to revist the books. I know I say that every year, but well, I mean, I know.

That there are only seven episodes left altogether is really throwing me for a loop, if I’m honest. I love this world and story and these characters so much.

Spin Off Speculation

I’m better HARD on the fall of Valeria. It’s what I want the most. I would also think that the war between the children of the forest and the first men. Or anything with Bran the builder.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “Eastwatch”

There is a lot of stuff in this episode.

Oh just loads. Just, so much stuff.

But who won? Well, that’s hard for me to pick, but I’m going to go with Jon. Though he doesn’t know half the reason why he gets the win.

Jon and Rhaegal

OH HEY!!!!! YOU’RE MINE NOW. – Rhaegal, probably.

So, here are some things that are happening for Jon. Rhaegal let him pet him. He and Danerys have a plan to get Cersei to leave King’s Landing and fight the army of the dead (maybe). He and Gendry are buddies like instantly.

Oh, and also Gilly finds proof that Rhaegar and Elia’s marriage was annulled and Rhaegar was married to someone else, which means that Jon is in fact, the true born son of Rhaegar Targaryen, and has a better claim on the Iron Throne than Dany, if it weren’t for the whole dragon situation, and the fact that he might not want it.

Oh, also, he’s back through the wall to capture a white walker to bring to King’s landing so that Cersei can believe in the Night King or something. Also, Dany.

Also, there were several longing looks.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Not in the episode. Cersei, however, is pregnant with Jaime’s baby, so my other werido ship is sunk, I guess. (Euron never really stood much of a chance.)

Hey, do you think if Gendry survives everything he and Arya can get together? Remember when he said, “you could be my lady,” to her. So cute.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Little Finger seems determined to ruin everything good in the world by exploiting the distrust between Sansa and Arya, and Sansa is determined to hold the North, since her siblings (well, and secret King Cousin!) don’t seem to give a rat’s ass. (Granted, Bran and Jon are trying to save Westeros from the apocalypse. And Jon is honoring his people’s wishes by not bending the knee to Dany, but still, I get her frustration.)

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Mostly she’s just skulking, which is important, but all her talk of cutting off heads and people betraying Jon pissed me off almost as much as it pissed Sansa off. Her taking down Little Finger however, would be nice.

Bran Stark’s The Three Eyed Raven’s Excellent Adventure

Bran sees the Night King attacking East Watch, so Jon goes there.

#NotAStark

Rhaegar & Lyanna were married. JON TARGARYEN MOTHER FUCKERS. He is the rightful king of Westeros, the chosen king of the North, and one of the three heads of the dragon.

Oh, also, he’s really sexy, and has a new buddy.

And a plan.

Sam Is A Ravenclaw (Or Possibly A Hufflepuff)

Sam left the Citadel. Gilly, meanwhile, found an important piece of information from a book that may change the course of the story. GILLY IS HERMIONE EVERYONE! Also, Sam needs to stop acting a like a Gryffindor. He’s not. He’s a Ravenclaw, he’s possibly a Hufflepuff. Not that they can’t do heroic things. (Luna Lovegood and Cedric Diggory and all…) Just, you know, all of it feels off.

Oh, but you know. Also, there is proof that Jon is a Targaryen.

How Long Til Jaime Snaps?

He won’t? Seriously, I’m bummed out about this. But, hey, he sort of kind of forgave Tyrion, so Yay?

The Dragon Has Three Heads

A NEW CANDIDATE EMERGES! (I’m talking about Gendry)

Sitcoms Ideas That Could Be The New Spin Off

Bastard Buddies: Jon and Gendry are roommates. I haven’t really gotten beyond that part yet.

Ser Mopey Bear And The Dragon Queen: Jorah and Dany’s life as newlyweds. It’s like King of Queens except with lots of glowering and pregnant pauses.

The Odd Couple: Can two sisters who survived years of trauma share a castle without driving each other crazy?

 

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Queen’s Justice”

Was there a winner last night? I mean besides, me giggling like an idiot while I watched Emilia Clarke and Kit Harrington have actually, hot as fire chemistry with one another?

I think so. And I think it’s someone you might not expect.

Or you might.

Jorah Mormont won last night.

Ser-Jorah-Mormont-888676

Jorah doesn’t have greyscale anymore, because Sam is a boss! He gets to go back to Dany and our Ser Mopey Bear (last week I called him “Mr. Mopey Bear” but I feel the need to ammend it to give include his title, he’s anointed and all…) can’t get a better win that that.

Runners up are Bran and Sansa, and SHUT UP, you’re the one who’s crying.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They are parted, but both doing things, Grey Worm takes Casterly Rock, which isn’t hard, because it turns out Jaime is not a moron, but still, good for him. Missandei meanwhile is announcing Danery’s million and a half names, while Davos introduces Jon Snow, but we’ll get to that.

In other shipping news: Hey, Dany and Jon and the crackling chemisty. Also Euron and Cersie, seriously, guys, I’m into it. I know it’s gross and weird and they’re both awful and obviously I don’t want them to win, but I kind of do? It’s confusing.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa is doing a very good job ruling Winterfell and ignoring Baelish, and WHY IS HE STILL THERE? She also has a nice chat with Bran and you can tell she is like 1000% done with her brothers and all of their mystical hoo ha. Also, way to bring up her goddamn terrible wedding night, Bran! (I’m still not unconvinced she’s pregnant!) Oh, and Tyrion asks about her to Jon, who’s all “let’s not talk about my sister who you’re still technically married to I guess, but she was like 13, and thanks for not having sex with her I guess?”

Arya’s Badass Watch

No Arya this week.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

He’s back at Winterfell and tries to explain the whole three eyed raven thing to Sansa, who again, is OVER IT. Perhaps bringing up something other than the most traumatic thing to happen to her over years of compacted trauma was not the way to go? I don’t know, but the scene where they hug is amazing. And I’m crying again.

#NotAStark

You guys, Jon actually said the words, “I’m not a Stark,” tonight. IT’S WORKING. Oh, also he and Dany are hot together. The scene where they first meet is awesome, and why exactly he doesn’t want to tell her about his magical ressurection, I’m not sure of, but whatever, she’s curious, when Davos says that Jon took a knife in his heart, it’s not a figure of speech, it’s literal. He’s very focused, and hey! He gets his Dragonglass, and seriously, how long do you think it is that he’ll be on Dragonstone and how long until he rides a dragon. (Rhaegel, probably, seriously, he should be riding the dragon named after his father.)

Sam Is A Ravenclaw (Or Possibly A Hufflepuff)

Sam is not in trouble for illegally curing Jorah’s greyscale. He also is not hailed as a hero for it. This is probably because Sam is not a Gryffindor, and only Gryffindors get rewarded for breaking rules and it working out best for everyone. (Happy Birthday Harry!)

How Long Til Jaime Snaps?

While I will never forgive him for killing Olenna, wow, does he seem close to the edge these days. Or he’s gone full dark with Cersei, but I think he’s wavering. And Olenna is always right, and she thinks he’s going to lose it. Plus he knows that Olenna killed Joffrey, which he has pushed his brother away for and WOW, is that a problem for Jaime’s confirmation bias.

RIP

Ellaria and Tyene (meh) and Olenna (Actually I’m very sad.) Yara, for the moment appears to be alive.

Varys Talks About Stuff

This time he and Melisandre have a chat about gaining and losing power. She says she’s going back to Volantis, but then also says she’s going to die in Westeros. And she admits she made mistakes (YES BURNING SHIREEN TO DEATH WAS A HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE MELISANDRE) but that she’s played her ultimate role, bringing ice and fire together. Now they need to pull their collective heads out of their butts and GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY.

Sorry about the lasteness of this post. I was at Classic East this weekend, and it was amazing, but I couldn’t watch the episode until I got home from work.

Game of Thrones Winner: “Dragonstone”

GUUUYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!! It’s Back! Winter is here, (well, actually it’s the butt crack of summer.) (And the AC in my house is busted.) (So, not really feeling, the “winter.”) and we’re back in Westeros, and Game of Thrones is back and are you excited? Because I am excited!

It’s time to pick a winner, and well, other things. We have some definite not winners, that’s for sure. The Freys? Not winners. Those people that lived in that house where Beric, Thoros and The Hound were hanging out, definitely not winners. Ed Sheeran? Maybe a winner?

Nah, really, I’ve picked my winner, after some thought.

Danerys Targaryen

gots6dany

She’s barely in the episode, but it’s good stuff. Her walk through Dragonstone, barely believing that she’s finally in Westeros, let alone at the place of her birth is stunning. Her joy at finding Stannis’s war table, at her obsidian throne and her one line, “Shall we begin?” CHILLS, CHILLS.

Runner up is Arya, because, also chills (from when she poisoned the Freys, not from when she had a jam session with Ed Sheeran and his buddies. That was just weird.)

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch 

They’re behind their queen as always, and it’s the best. In other shipping news?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE TORMUND AND BRIENNE A THING SHOW.

Also, Gilly and Sam are adorable.

And I ship Cersei/Euron a little. I mean, it would be terrifying, but also kinda hot.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa. My love. My true Westerosi soul sister. You’re not going to get anywhere with Jon by telling him your father and brother were idiots (they were) and then comparing him to Joffrey. (She did take this back. Jon is nothing like Joffrey, what a stupid thing to say.) However, the way you are dealing with Little Finger is perfect. Keep doing that, with the cutting him down with your words, and refusing to make eye contact. That was good.

Arya Badass Watch

The whole first scene, with her wearing Walder Frey’s Face, was pure badass. It was really cool, and very quiet and interesting and yet brutal. Well done, Thrones. Less badass? Eating rabbit in the woods with Ed Sheeran. Why is Ed Sheeran in Westeros? I mean, is Tay Tay going to show up too? The scene was fine, and a definite reminder that Westeros is truly screwed up still, from The War of The Five Kings and other stuff…but seriously, why, with the Ed Sheeran? WHY???

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Bran and Meera are at the Wall. I assume that this is so that anyone gives a shit what happens at the Wall. Also so that he can eventually get to Winterfell, and all of the remaining Starks can give each others hugs.

#NotaStark

This is a new feature where I spend large chunks of the show shouting, “JON IS NOT A STARK ” at random characters. I mean he is, but he also isn’t. He never was he was Snow, a northern bastard, and as it turns out he’s a Targaryen. If they had twitter in Westeros, #notastark would be a thing, and since they now have Ed Sheeran in Westeros, I assume twitter is not far behind.

Sam’s A Ravenclaw (Or maybe a Hufflepuff….)

This new feature will talk about Sam’s days at Hogwarts…I mean The Citadel. He spends a lot of time clearing bed pans and we get a montage of it and its gross, but interesting. Anyway, he talks to one of the Maestars about the end of the world, and we get a monologue about how it’s not the end of the world, so Sam steals some books, learns that Dragonstone is built on a mountain of dragonglass and sends Jon a note.

Oh and who just so happened to move into Dragonstone? Dany! Who needs a whole mess of Dragonstone real fast? Jon! You know who needs to meet? And then get married? And then bone? Jon and Dany! (Not necessarily in that order.)

Oh, also he takes care of people with Greyscale, and one of the is totally Jorah, like, they didn’t even try to hide it.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Well, the death of his last child didn’t do it. Nor did Cersei flirting hard with Euron Greyjoy. Nor did learning that Tyrion is on Dany’s side now.

But this guy has very few straws left on the camel’s back. Something’s going to happen soon.

Other Pop Stars I would Like to see in Westeros:

Taylor (always), Lady Gaga, Lorde, Drake, Justin Timberlake, Any of The Living Jacksons But Especially Janet, Adele, Michael Buble.

Winter Is Here

Not to get overly gushy or anything, but OhMiGod OhMiGod You Guys! Game of Thrones comes back on Sunday.

While it’s a short visit to Westeros (only 7 episodes, although I’m choosing to think of it in terms of the two 7 episode seasons actually giving us 4 more episodes than one 10 episode season would, it’s still hard to stomach the abbreviation.)

I’ve spent a large chunk of my summer trying NOT to obsess over the fact that Game of Thrones wasn’t back and now it’s coming back and OMG I’m so happy that it’s back.

What’s going to be weird is I’ve lost some of my sounding board for the show. Mary and Joe have moved across the country and into a different time zone, so even discussing the show with them is going to be delayed, I will now rely on you, trusty blog folk, even more to flail over episodes with me.  But, since it’s been longer than usual, and because I’ve been avoiding it I haven’t rewatched the show as I usually do leading into the new season, let’s consider where we’re at:

Starks:

Jon has been declared The King In The North, and Sansa appears to be the power behind that. Little Finger (BLEH) brought the Knights of The Eyrie to save their bacon, and has declared that he wants the Iron Throne and Sansa as his queen (TRIPLE BLEH). Jon has banished Melisandre, and he and Davos are all set to shift everyone’s attention from King’s Landing to North of The Wall, where the White Walkers continue to grow in power.

Oh, also, Jon is actually the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, and is possibly, if Lyanna and Rhaegar were married the true heir to the Iron Throne, a prime candidate to be The Prince That Was Promised, and will, if all badassness is to be fulfilled, become the rider of one of Dany’s dragons. (Probably the one named for his father.)

Or he’ll die, because George RR Martin.

Arya has begun her vengeance quest. We’ll see how that goes. Bran is officially the Three Eyed Raven now, I think?

Lannisters:

Cersei is on the Iron Throne, all her kids are dead, Jaime likely won’t put up with her shit much longer and The Sand Snakes and The Tyrells are coming for her. I want few things in this story more than Jaime killing Cersei and then himself. It feels narratively necessary.

Tyrion we’ll get to later, but yeah.

Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn, Queen of The Seven Kingdoms & Mereen, Breaker of Chains, Khaleesi of The Great Grass Sea & Mother Of Dragons

Khaleesi is headed for Westeros, everybody say WOOO!!!! She’s got a fleet of Greyjoy ships, as well as the ships of the slavemasters, she’s got a crap ton of Dorthraki and the Unsullied on her side, plus she’s got the council of Tyrion Lannister and Lord Varys and Dragons.

We’ve seen pictured of Dany and Jon together, but whether that’s because they have scenes together or Emilia and Kit were just having a chat remains to be seen. BUT OH BOY do I want those two unsmiling hardasses to meet up and scowl at each other.

People Who I Think Are Going To Die

I mean, besides everyone? I do not think that Davos is long for this world, The Lord of Light and Melisandre as his emissary are probably not going to let his rejection stand.

Cersei, as I’ve explained and Jaime after her.

Jorah, also probably a goner, which is a bummer.

People Who May Live But Who I Don’t Think Things Will Work Out So Great For

The Good Greyjoys: I just don’t see things working out for Yara and Theon. Euron is supposed to be the most sadistic and terrifying villain we’ve seen yet, according to Martin, and he’s been thwarted by his niece and disgraced nephew, which I do not think he will take well. Also, it’s not like, out of the question that Arya: Spirit of Lady Stoneheart decides that Theon’s redemption is bullshit and murders the crap out of him.

Sansa: Too much went Sansa’s way last season. It was awesome, don’t get me wrong, but she’s long overdue for a large scale setback that is also completely horrifying.

Dany & Jon: Look I want things to work out for these crazy kids. I want them married, ruling Westeros and defeating The Others with dragonfire. BUT, this is Thrones. Martin’s never met a fantasy trope he didn’t subvert, castrate, rape, murder, feed to dogs and then set on fire. Secret son of the king, turned reborn chosen one and exiled princess returning to her true throne 100% qualify as the kind tropes he loves to stomp all over. Thus, I fear that our beloved Prince and Princess Who Were Promised are likely to wind up dead in the snow, their eyes turning blue, servants of the Night’s King. Sam and Tyrion will likely avenge them. Martin likes them a lot. A little too much, frankly.

People I will Miss Very Much This Season

Margaery Tyrell. King Tommen The Adorable. Ser Barristan Selmy. Shireen Baratheon. Stannis Baratheon. Hodor. The Faceless Man/J’Quen H’Ghar. The High Sparrow.

People I Will Not Miss At All And Thank God They’re Finally Dead/Not Involved Anymore

Walder Frey. Loras Tyrell. Ramsey Bolton. Myranda. The Fucking Waif. Every Single Character In Mereen Who Wasn’t Directly Allied With Dany.

Shipping Things I Want

Yara/Dany

Jon/Dany

Dany/Anyone (Seriously, I ship her with the whole world)

Brienne/Jaime

Shipping Things I DO NOT Want

Brienne/Tormund (DIIIIEEEEE IN A FIRRRREEEEE)

Dany/Tyrion (OK, so there’s one exception I don’t want her with)

Sansa/Anyone

Funny Thing That Happened To Me This Weekend

So on Saturday, my friend Owen mentioned that he started that show and that he’s halfway through season 2 and he hopes that Robb Stark doesn’t get corrupted by his new found power. He asked me if this happens and I half laughed/half cried, “No, Robb does NOT in fact corrupted by power.” Then he said that he didn’t I think that Robb should be the king, to which I replied, “Well, even at the point you’re at no, because I don’t think there should be a king, there should be a queen.”

Then he kept prying about what happened to Robb and I explained that this kind of conversation gets people mad at me, and he said he doesn’t care about spoilers, and everyone who’s watched the show said pretty much in unison, “OH NO, you care about this.”

Because there are spoilers and not caring and then there’s having someone wreck the Red Wedding for you.

Anyway, I told him if he wanted my thoughts, he was free to come read the thousands of words that I’ve written here about the show.

And there are more to come.

Guys, it’s back on Sunday.

Winter is Here.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Bear And The Maiden Fair”

Easy enough winner this time. This week’s winner is Jaime Lannister!

Game_Of_Thrones_-_The_Bear_And_The_Maiden_Fair_-_Jamie__Ygritte

Jaime has a nice long talk with Qyburn and realizes that he needs to go back and save Brienne. He does, and they fight a bear together, and then he says he’s taking her back to King’s Landing and so begins the best maybe a romance, but not really in all of Game of Thrones.

Runner up goes to Dany, who’s just being a boss all over Yunkai. She has zero time to for any of their bullshit.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Missandei is doing very well in her stand next to Dany and recite titles role. Grey Worm is doing very well in his stand and look bad ass job. They are not in love yet.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

No agency for Sansa, Margaery does try to help her reframe her marriage to Tyrion. And also hits on her a little, I think? I’ve been spending too much time in feminist online forums I think.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya has one badass moment in this episode. She states that The Red God is not her one God and when Thoros asks her who her god is, she says quietly, intensely, insanely badassly “DEATH.”

Chills.

Who Was Jaime A Dick To?

Jaime is a dick no more my friends. I’m going to have to get rid of this feature. I’m going to miss it a lot.

Robb Is A King And Kind of Bad At It

UGGGGHHHH. He’s going to the Twins, and he’s making Edmure marry a Frey. And it’s all SO DUMB. And then he’s all, having really hot sex with Talisa, and she tells him she’s pregnant and it’s just, so much NOOOOOOO!

Tywin Schools Joffrey

This is a new feature, because if I couldn’t talk about it in another forum, I would literally give Tywin every win. This time he basically tells Joffrey that he, Tywin is the one really in charge here. Joffrey is nothing. He’s garbage.

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Climb”

Hmm, who wins this time? Not Sansa, that’s for sure. Also not Theon, if we’re being totally honest. Or Tyrion, or Cersei, or Loras. I guess Tywin. Tywin gets what he wants.

Yay Tywin

Tywin Lannister

He convinces Lady Olenna that Loras has to marry Cersei, Tyrion that he has to marry Sansa. And he does it all like a total boss. I mean, look, I’m pretty sure on rewatch, he’s my favorite character.

Runner up goes to Ygritte, who got to live her dream of climbing the wall and seeing the whole world spread out before her. And then she gets to make out with Jon Snow.

Ygritte’s pretty lucky.

Grey Worm And Missandei Watch

They aren’t in this episode. But the Jon and Ygritte kiss makes up for all other shipping deficiancies in the episode.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

All of Sansa’s agency is about to go down the toilet. Or even more down the toilet. But wow is this a good episode for Sophie Turner, her awkward conversation with Loras about their wedding is adorable. Her little scene with Shae about her dress is perfect, and her sobbing as she looks at Little Finger’s ship is unreal.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya shoots arrows with the Brotherhood without banners. Then she yells at everyone when they give Gendry to Melisandre. It’s pretty great. I love them so much.

Who Was Jaime a Dick To?

Roose Bolton! Jaime was a dick to Roose Bolton. Who is the only Bolton in the episode. Yuppers. There’s absolutely not another Bolton running around at all. (I’m in denial)

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Meera and Osha fight about rabbits, and also Jojen has a vision of Jon. So there’s that.