Game of Thrones Winner: A Man Without Honor

Oh God, this was a really easy pick, and, I keep forgetting how much I love this season. Just in general, it’s all so wonderful.

But by far, this winner is Cersei.

Cersei Lannister

Which isn’t really fair, since it isn’t so much that Cersei won, so much as Lena Heady is so good in this episode that it’s impossible to ignore.

First off, Sansa gets her period and Cersei is vulnerable and honest with her for probably the first and last time ever. She tells her that she doesn’t need to love Joffrey, but she will love his children. This is neither the first nor the last time that Cersei points to motherhood as woman’s refuge from, well, everything.

She also talks to Tyrion about their loss of control of Joffrey. I’m just saying that this is when I started really admiring they way they made Cersei human around this time. She’s still evil, but she’s not a monster, she’s a person. I’ve described her as someone who’s been banging her head against a patriarchal brick wall, and failing miserably. It’s why she’s so threatened by Margaery, who easily navigates through those waters.

But we’re not there yet.

Runner up is Shae, who tries to help Sansa hide her period, so that she doesn’t have to marry Joffrey. Shae is the best.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

Good Handmaiden died when Dany’s house was raided. Doreah is missing. Her blood riders are dead. She needs the two best now. In other shipping watch, Ygritte is trying real hard to get into Jon’s pants in these episodes. Ygritte is great. Jon is adorable. So much love.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa is have PTSD dreams about her attempted rape, which isn’t fun, but she does try to hide her period from Cersei. With Shae’s help. Her conversation with Cersei is an incredible exercise in grace and poise though. Sophie Turner, also really good in this episode.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya comes up with a cover story so that Tywin stops trying to figure out who she is…I’m pretty sure he knows who she is. He mentions that Arya reminds him of Cersei. This is meant as accomplishment, but Arya does not take it as one.

Who Was Jamie A Dick To?

Oh, just everyone. There was that cousin, who he killed. Then the Karstark kid, who he killed. Then Cat, who he antagonized before she set him free. Just, he’s a huge dick to everyone.

Robb Is A King And Kind of Bad At It

Uggghhh, more stupid Theon stuff that’s the result of Robb being terrible at being a King. And he brings Talisa to a surrender meeting. Which is a dumbass move of the highest level.

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Night Lands”

You want to know what’s going to get Khaleesi her win? It’s finally getting something done for once. So, that’s why she gets the win.


Dany sends her blood riders out to find water or cities. She gets one of their heads back, which…isn’t great, but does mean that some sort of civilization is nearby and it is a world of a lot better than the whole Moses in the desert thing that they had going on before, still, dead bloodriders, not great, so this is a win, but a qualified one.

Runner up goes to Yasha Greyjoy, because we learn what a bad ass she is. But getting felt up by your brother is not ever winning. I feel like this is something that she and Dany could bond over, idiotic brothers who once felt your boobs a whole bunch.

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch

When sending the riders out, Dany reminds them that they’re “Blood of my blood,” which is a bond I will later hold that Grey Worm and Missandei are Blood of her blood. But they don’t die…yet…

Sansa Agency Watch

Sansa is not in this episode. Thus, no agency, but also no subjegation. So, win? I guess?

Arya Badass Watch

Arya meets Ja’quen! OMG! He’s all mysterious and great, and she’s immediately drawn to him. So excited to watch all of that stuff again, really and truly. She also confides her true identity to Gendry, and guys, I like really super miss Gendry.

Who Was Jamie A Dick To This Week?

No Jamie this week, but Cersei and Tyrion sure talked about him a lot. And so did everyone else.

Robb is A King And Kind of Bad At It

No Robb this week, but the Theon stuff is very tied into how shitty Robb is at Kinging. Sending Theon back to the Iron Islands is possibly the worst decision Robb makes besides marrying for love instead of one of Walder Frey’s daughters. But it’s just cringingly bad, and everyone tells him so.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Gift”

I kind of can’t believe how fast we’re moving through this season. And as we speed through the unknown, I’m having trouble dealing with how the show is moving. Yes, there are definitely things that are happening, and a lot of them are pretty great, and some of them are less so.

But let’s declare this week’s winner

The High Sparrow won this week, which I don’t think should surprise anyone.

High Sparrow

Between arresting Cersei, explaining how Loras and Margaraey could maybe survive, and of course, giving us the amazing gift of him bickering with Lady Olenna, it’s hard to give him the week.

And honestly, how satisfying was it watching Cersei’s face fall as she realized what was happening to her. It was so good. And a remarkable turn by Lena Headey. (As if we didn’t already know what a bad ass she was.)

So, congratulations, High Sparrow, whatever your real name is. You won the game of thrones this week.

Even though, you’re not interested.

Or whatever.

The runner up the week is Sam! He had sex with Gilly! You go Sam! (Also Jorah, who was all badass in the fighting pits.)

Missandei And Grey Worm 

No action. That’s two weeks in a row.

I miss them.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Another new feature. After last week, I’ve decided to note how they handle Sansa’s agency and storyline moving forward. (This is how I’m mitigating that I’m not dropping the show all together.)

Sansa tried to get Theon to help rescue her by giving him the candle to signal Brienne. He of course told Ramsay, and BOOOO Theon! While this action is a step in the right direction the fact that Sansa is being kept locked in her bedroom for Ramsay to rape every night, and that he then killed that servant is absolutely the worst. But, at least Sansa is engineering her own rescue, or trying to, unlike Jeyne, who was way more pathetic and less active.

So that’s where we are.

Cersei Lannister: The Character Winner for “First Of His Name”

Season 4 in general, I knew was probably going to belong to the Lannister siblings, because the second half of A Storm of Swords and all of A Feast For Crows pretty much belongs to them. But for the love of the seven, I did not expect to see an hour that Cersei dominated quite this much. (Sansa gets a very close second this week, her scenes with her crazy Aunt Lysa were exceptional.)

All Hail The Queen!

All Hail The Queen!

Cersei had quite the busy little day running around Kings Landing, brokering Tommen’s marriage to Margaery, with both Margaery herself and with Tywin. She planned the timing for that wedding as well as said that her own marriage to Loras will take place within a fortnight of that one. Tommen was crowned, and she had a vague and beautiful conversation with Oberyn about having power and not being able to wield it.

Then she sent Myrcella a boat.

A BOAT! How awesome is that?

But in serious town, one of the things that Game of Thrones has done that A Song of Ice And Fire was never able to do is turn Cersei into the model of what happens when someone rages and rages and beats down the door, but can’t break the patriarchy. In another universe and 800 years, Cersei Lannister would be Joan Holloway. She has ambition out the butt and the means to reach those ambitions but she lacks the proper sexual organs for her place and time to allow for it to happen.

But seriously, if this season doesn’t garner Lena Heady an Emmy nod, I don’t know what to think anymore. She did such incredible work here, and has done amazing work the whole time, but that speech to Oberyn, that’s crossing over into Cranston territory of good. Just unbelievable.

So, Queen Cersei, you’re the winner this week. All the wine in King’s Landing to you, Your Grace!

Tommen Baratheon: Character Winner For “The Breaker of Chains”

A lot of really cool things happened on last night’s Game of Thrones. Nothing quite as game changing as last week, but most of it was fairly interesting, and gave us some insight into characters and motivations. But, in spite of the awesomeness of Podrick and Tyrion’s conversation in Tyrion’s cell, Sansa’s escape at the hands of Littlefinger, and Samwell Tarley installing Gilly as a maid in a brothel (to save her from be raped by the men of the Night’s Watch? Or something, Sam’s logic is flawed here…) This week’s character winner is Tommen Baratheon (Lannister).

Tommen Baratheon

Tommen is now the King, and he’s decided that he’s going to be a better king than his brother. He’s also, frankly, kind of adorable. Look at that baby face!

Now granted, a trained monkey would be a better king than Joffrey, but it’s nice that Tommen understands this. He’s weaker than Joff in a lot of ways, and as he’s younger, he’s going to be easier for his mother, uncle, “uncle”/father and grandfather to control, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Also, the conversation he has with Tywin regarding what makes for a good king and why he must marry is one of the best talk based scenes the show has ever done.

The mood was almost immediately destroyed by Jaime raping Cersei on the floor of the sept next to Joffrey’s dead body.

Stay classy, Game of Thrones, always stay classy.

But congratulations King Tommen, may you quietly rule Westeros until Daenyrs gets her act together and kills you with dragon fire.