Game Of Thrones Winner: “Winterfell”

Hi everyone! Welcome back to Westeros. Welcome to Palace intrigue and incest you root for, and so much dragons and fur capes you guys.

This is our last few week crowning winners. Let’s savor it.

Anyway, I think it’s clear:

JON SNOW, or, should I say, Aegon Targaryen. You won.

Jon-Snow-1

Soo broody and handsome.

Jon rode Rhaegal! He made out with Danerys at a waterfall! He learned that he’s not who he believes he is and is actually Aegon Targaryen the rightful king of Westeros.

So…you know, yay?

Runner up is Euron. I’m very happy for him that he got to have sex with Cersei. I think that’s nice for him. Absurd Evil Pirate Wizard Kings need love too, you guys.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch Renamed Arya And Gendry Watch

Now that our two favorite freed slaves have what I assume is a happy and stable relationship, based mostly around cunnilingus and snuggling, we need to move on to the CUTEST COUPLE OF MISFITS IN THE NORTH. I’m talking about Gendry Storm and Arya Stark. The flirting! The weapons! The Hound rolling his eyes.

I’ve been rolling with some “Gendry gets the throne,” theorizing, and you know, I could see it. Queen Arya would be fun too.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

You know that scene in an early episode of New Girl where Jess describes a coworker who told her she “rocked a lot of polka dots,” and Cece is outraged on Jess’s behalf and the guys don’t get it at all?

Sansa was the coworker and Danerys was Jess. HOLY CRAP, my girl was rocking the side eye and the passive agressive comments. Just all of it! Plus she reunited with her less dysfunctional husband. (To be fair, Sansa has had terrible, terrible luck in the marriage department.) I’m kinda rooting for her and Tyrion though. I think new sassy, takes no shit Sansa, and new tired, I believe in Danerys Targaryen Tyrion could do well together.

Arya Badass Watch

Not much straight up badassery on display, but we’ve really seen her growth. She lets Jon know she sees his point, without tearing down Sansa, she flirts with Gendry, she stares The Hound down. She’s sneaking up on people and scaring them right and left. It’s all GOLD. Maisie Williams has really grown into a remarkable actor.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Bran didn’t time travel this week, but he did make Sam do his dirty work, and came face to face with the man who pushed him out of a window. We’ll see how that plays out next week, but guys, much like Sansa, and I think Sam a little bit, I’m wayyy over Bran’s whole, “I am the Three Eyed Raven, I have no feelings. Beep Boop,” schtick, so I hope it ends with him just grabbing a sword and swinging. (But I don’t want Jaime to die…yet…)

#NotAStark #NotABastard

So he knows now. Also he knows he’s been sticking it to his aunt. And he’s kind of pissy about all of it. Not that I blame him, it’s a lot to deal with.

Sam Is A Ravenclaw

SAM. STOLE. BOOKS. FROM. THE CITADEL. He stole books. He’s such a nerd, and it’s so awesome.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Well, he’s in Winterfell and is going to be called to task on many, many of his past crimes. I could see Brienne standing up for him. I hope she does.

The Dragon Has Three Heads

JON RODE A DRAGON. Also, he knows now. That’s pretty important.

Other People Did Things

Yara gave Theon permission to go to Winterfell while she headed to the Iron Islands to get things in order in case of retreat from the North.

The Night King killed a bunch of people, arranged them in a shape, and then Beric set them on fire.

Varys called out Tyrion for his constant eunech jokes, by pointing out he hates jokes about his being a dwarf. Also Davos, did his whole, “I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking,” thing in regards to Dany and Jon. Because yeah…

Cersei was hoping the Golden Company would bring their elephants, but they didn’t and she’s kind of put out about it. I agree with her, because elephants in battle look really cool.

So, that’s where we’re at, so far. I was impressed by the episode. I’m worried about Jon. I love that Arya is home and uncreepy.

You Win Or You Die: Game Of Thrones Season 5

Season 5 of Game Of Thrones sucks y’all.

It’s really terrible and not in a fun way just in a, boy this show sure was great and this season sure sucks a lot way.

Littlefinger selling Sansa to the Boltons?

Sucks.

The subsequent rape of Sansa?

Sucks.

Maergary And Loras being stuck in prison most of the season.

Sucks.

No dragons for most of the season?

Sucks.

Dorne?

Sucks.

Melisandre and Stannis burning Shireen?

Rahahaheally Sucks!

The season isn’t without it’s bright spots, but generally and genuinely sucks. Those bright spots? “Hardhome” is pretty amazing. I actually enjoy most of the Mereen stuff, even though Martin has said it’s what’s caused him the most headaches writing wise. (I can also see that.) Sansa and Theon’s escape from Winterfell is both thrilling and cathartic. And I’m in the minority who likes Arya As No One. Season 5 is just a whole lot of place setting and it’s not particularly compelling to watch. Or frankly, to read. A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons are largely considered the weakest books. I personally love Crows, because I ❤ Cersei, but it’s pretty messy.)

Anyway, this week we’ll cover seasons 6 & 7, which are just better than season 5 by virtue of being kind of bonkers, the good guys winning a lot, and making most of the country root for incest.

You Win Or You Die: Game Of Thrones Seasons 1-4

I rewatched the first four seasons of Game Of Thrones this past week. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to but then I started reading “get caught up articles,” and decided that I’d just watch again, because I have a problem, and also I’m out of Marvel movies, so you know what? Fine.

I hadn’t wanted to rewatch because it felt a little like a chore and I’m trying not to do that sort of thing anymore. And it’s not as though I haven’t given Game Of Thrones it’s due on this blog.

I’ve given hours upon hours and post after post of attention to Game Of Thrones. Once when I was late with getting a write up done because I was away on a Sunday night, a friend texted me and said, “Hey, I’m sure you’re busy but I really need to know who won last night!” I’ve had friends stop talking to me entirely during the season because I’m so bad at keeping in my excitement about upcoming plot points. (Hi Greg! Hope you’re having fun on your honeymoon!)

I’ve read the books twice and listened to their audio versions once. I’ve seen each episode of the TV show more times than is normal. (I’m still on the low end for nerds, but for normies, I’m basically a walking encyclopedia) I’ve dressed up as Maergary Tyrell and Sansa Stark and am currently considering investing in Daenerys Targaryen.

love Game Of Thrones. 

But last year, we all took a break. And I realized, this weekend, that rewatching to get back into the headspace of Westeros after nearly a year off, that I actually really needed the revisit, if I didn’t want to spend the seven upcoming Sunday evenings scouring my old writing for details, because there was some shit that I forgot about.

First of all, Seasons 1 & 2 of Game Of Thrones are so astoundingly well written, shot and acted, it’s really no wonder the show gained such traction. It’s really really stinking good. Season 3 is around when the seams start to crack. It’s still quite good, but it’s also probably my least favorite season, which might contribute to why I think it’s where the show changes from tightly written to a bit more sloppy. Season 4 is wonderful. It’s goofy and kind of dumb and really really into itself, but wonderful, and I love it very much.

But let’s start with season 1. The Westeros stuff is a tightly plotted mystery, tense, full of shifting alliances and bad choices and deep regrets from long ago shaping a present and future that’s completely untenable for a new generation. The Stark children and Joffrey Baratheon can’t breathe let alone thrive,they’re crushed by the weight of their parents guilt and secrets. It’s a hell of a way to start a story. Meanwhile, Danerys Targaryen is just learning that she’s a person, not a commodity or a accessory and it’s a wonder. Plus there are zombies and NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

Season 2 is equally excellent, if harsher. We’re at war now, and it’s brutal, bloody and complicated. I love Season 2, not only because it contains my all time favorite episode of television, “Blackwater.” Everything that builds to that moment, Renly and Stannis’s conflict, Arya and Tywin at Harrenhall, even Jon’s escapades north of the wall and Dany’s adventures in Quarth, makes the tension of the episode better. “Blackwater” is a perfect episode of TV, and everytime I watch it, I’m reminded of why.

I really don’t like season 3. I mean, I like it fine. It’s still got some good stuff, mostly the Jon and Dany action. But Robb’s storyline is all wrapped up in Talisa, which is a bad bad storyline, we get the Theon being tortured by Ramsey stuff, which is important but dull and repetetive, Sansa’s misery is at it’s peaks and valleys worst. (She’s doesn’t have to marry Joffrey! He’ll probably rape her anyway. She’s going to marry Loras and escape to Highgarden! She marries Tyrion instead. Tyrion’s looking out for her though! Little Finger keeps whispering in her ear to get her away.) Dany’s time in Slaver’s Bay is wonderful, fully pushing her brutal black and white sense of justice to the edge. And Jon’s storyline, working with the Wildlings and his affair with Ygritte is the best he gets over the course of the whole show.

I think there’s also some weirdness for me watching these early seasons again because my time with the show really started blooming in Season 4. That’s when I started crowning winners, really tracking the show in the kind of regular fashion that y’all have become accustomed to. Which was actually fun for me, as I started Season 4 on Monday. I smiled, as the familiarity with those episodes sunk in. The things I’ve come to love in the back half of the show, Missandei and Grey Worm, Cersei’s further unraveling, King Tommen The Adorable, #NotAStark, these things come into focus really quickly in Season 4.

Season 2 is my favorite season of the show, with 1 and 4 vying for second place. Next week I’ll talk about the final three seasons and we’ll all have some fun there. If you’re interested in my Game Of Thrones writing, there’s a shit tonne of it.  

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Dragon And The Wolf”

I hate this.

Every year, I hate this. I hate when the show ends, and this year, it’s even shorter and I don’t even have any episodes in the backlog to do winners for.

I’m gonna have to read the books again, and I’m still smack dab in the middle of The Stand, so I don’t think that’ likely to happen soon.

Anyway, who won?

The Stark Girls. Obviously.

Arya and Sansa

Because, look, these two finally learned to work together. AND THEY CUT LITTLE FINGER’S THROAT.

So he’s finally gone. And it’s at the hand of the two people who have more cause to do it than anyone else. Although, all of Westeros deserves a chance to spit on his corpse since every current non White Walker problem is pretty much all his fault.

Anyway, WAY TO GO Sansa and Arya, I think I could watch that scene of the two of them on top of Winterfell over and over again. (I’ve already watched it twice.)

Runner Up is a certain King In The North, who is also uh, you know, AEGON TARGARYEN THE TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They’re around and alive. Good.

JON AND DANY HAD SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He defied Cersei for her. AND THEN THEY HAD SEX. She reminded him that she can’t have children. He said that maybe that wasn’t the case. AND THEN THEY HAD SEX.

The point is they had sex.

OH, in other shipping news, Brienne convinced Jaime to do the right thing.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

See above.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

See above.

Bran Stark’s The Three Eyed Raven’s Excellent Adventure

Bran and Sam compared notes and learned the full truth about Jon’s identity. Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love and married, in a secret ceremony right out of the ending of Episode II. (Seriously…if you didn’t get Anakin and Padme vibes from the scene…) Jon is not a bastard, he is actually Aegan Targaryen, the heir to iron throne.

This is complicated for a lot of reasons…

#NotAStark #NotABastard

So, Jon and Theon have a long talk about Ned being a part of them, so I feel like that might come home to roost at one point.

Oh, also HE AND DANY HAD SEX! Did I mention that part? And we saw Kit Harrinton’s butt. Which is always a nice trick.

Sam is A Ravenclaw

I’ve decided because it was Sam’s book learnin that gave us our final answer.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Jaime did the right thing! He’s riding north to help in the big fight. He’s leaving Cersei behind. He’s honoring his vow to Dany and to Tyrion and YESSS!!!!

The Dragon Has Three Heads

The two heads boned. Dany and Jon had sex.

The other head, rode his GODDAMN ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON to the wall, and had his ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON blow a hole in said wall. He’s marching to Winterfell.

RIP

Little Finger. FINALLY. I won’t miss him. I’ve spent this whole season wondering, “why the hell is this guy still alive?”

So What Comes Next?

I don’t know. I have a few ideas. I think I need to revist the books. I know I say that every year, but well, I mean, I know.

That there are only seven episodes left altogether is really throwing me for a loop, if I’m honest. I love this world and story and these characters so much.

Spin Off Speculation

I’m better HARD on the fall of Valeria. It’s what I want the most. I would also think that the war between the children of the forest and the first men. Or anything with Bran the builder.

Game of Thrones Winner: “The Queen’s Justice”

Was there a winner last night? I mean besides, me giggling like an idiot while I watched Emilia Clarke and Kit Harrington have actually, hot as fire chemistry with one another?

I think so. And I think it’s someone you might not expect.

Or you might.

Jorah Mormont won last night.

Ser-Jorah-Mormont-888676

Jorah doesn’t have greyscale anymore, because Sam is a boss! He gets to go back to Dany and our Ser Mopey Bear (last week I called him “Mr. Mopey Bear” but I feel the need to ammend it to give include his title, he’s anointed and all…) can’t get a better win that that.

Runners up are Bran and Sansa, and SHUT UP, you’re the one who’s crying.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They are parted, but both doing things, Grey Worm takes Casterly Rock, which isn’t hard, because it turns out Jaime is not a moron, but still, good for him. Missandei meanwhile is announcing Danery’s million and a half names, while Davos introduces Jon Snow, but we’ll get to that.

In other shipping news: Hey, Dany and Jon and the crackling chemisty. Also Euron and Cersie, seriously, guys, I’m into it. I know it’s gross and weird and they’re both awful and obviously I don’t want them to win, but I kind of do? It’s confusing.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa is doing a very good job ruling Winterfell and ignoring Baelish, and WHY IS HE STILL THERE? She also has a nice chat with Bran and you can tell she is like 1000% done with her brothers and all of their mystical hoo ha. Also, way to bring up her goddamn terrible wedding night, Bran! (I’m still not unconvinced she’s pregnant!) Oh, and Tyrion asks about her to Jon, who’s all “let’s not talk about my sister who you’re still technically married to I guess, but she was like 13, and thanks for not having sex with her I guess?”

Arya’s Badass Watch

No Arya this week.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

He’s back at Winterfell and tries to explain the whole three eyed raven thing to Sansa, who again, is OVER IT. Perhaps bringing up something other than the most traumatic thing to happen to her over years of compacted trauma was not the way to go? I don’t know, but the scene where they hug is amazing. And I’m crying again.

#NotAStark

You guys, Jon actually said the words, “I’m not a Stark,” tonight. IT’S WORKING. Oh, also he and Dany are hot together. The scene where they first meet is awesome, and why exactly he doesn’t want to tell her about his magical ressurection, I’m not sure of, but whatever, she’s curious, when Davos says that Jon took a knife in his heart, it’s not a figure of speech, it’s literal. He’s very focused, and hey! He gets his Dragonglass, and seriously, how long do you think it is that he’ll be on Dragonstone and how long until he rides a dragon. (Rhaegel, probably, seriously, he should be riding the dragon named after his father.)

Sam Is A Ravenclaw (Or Possibly A Hufflepuff)

Sam is not in trouble for illegally curing Jorah’s greyscale. He also is not hailed as a hero for it. This is probably because Sam is not a Gryffindor, and only Gryffindors get rewarded for breaking rules and it working out best for everyone. (Happy Birthday Harry!)

How Long Til Jaime Snaps?

While I will never forgive him for killing Olenna, wow, does he seem close to the edge these days. Or he’s gone full dark with Cersei, but I think he’s wavering. And Olenna is always right, and she thinks he’s going to lose it. Plus he knows that Olenna killed Joffrey, which he has pushed his brother away for and WOW, is that a problem for Jaime’s confirmation bias.

RIP

Ellaria and Tyene (meh) and Olenna (Actually I’m very sad.) Yara, for the moment appears to be alive.

Varys Talks About Stuff

This time he and Melisandre have a chat about gaining and losing power. She says she’s going back to Volantis, but then also says she’s going to die in Westeros. And she admits she made mistakes (YES BURNING SHIREEN TO DEATH WAS A HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE MELISANDRE) but that she’s played her ultimate role, bringing ice and fire together. Now they need to pull their collective heads out of their butts and GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY.

Sorry about the lasteness of this post. I was at Classic East this weekend, and it was amazing, but I couldn’t watch the episode until I got home from work.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “Stormborn”

Two down, five to go. And we’ve got a pretty clear winner tonight.

Sansa Stark, is tonight’s winner of Game Of Thrones

Sansa season 7

Finally, all of Sansa’s fighting with Jon paid off, and he put her in charge of The North while he heads to Dragonstone to go palaver with Dany. (OK…I’m bringing Dark Tower language into my Game Of Thrones recaps…my fandoms are touching and I’m too excited to care much.) Also, all of the Northern Lords are way more in line with her than they are with Jon, which isn’t great in the long run, but is good for her right now.

Runner up is Euron, because, I mean, it’s Euron. I’m not going to miss The Sand Snakes, but I am going to miss Yara. He gets the win, because that was a decisive victory, but it was brutal, and to quote Michael, “Euron is going to be a problem.” 

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch:

OMG! OMG! OMG! Before Grey Worm goes off to conquer Casterly Rock in Dany’s name, Missandei comes to say goodbye, and they confess their love, and then they kiss and then they have SEX! And it’s AWESOME! And I managed not to squee, but OMG! OMG! OMG! How does Grey Worm, who as we all know, does not have a dick, have sex with Missandei? He goes down on her. And it’s great, and I’m really, happy about this.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

She won this week. I’m worried in the long run about what that power is going to do to my girl, but I’m happy for her, and the agency, there is so much of it.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya is slowly but surely becoming a person again, and it’s really a cool arc. This week she saw Hot Pie again, and they talked about how Jon is The King In The North now, and she decided to abandon her “Kill Cersei” quest and go home, UNTIL, she encounters Nymeria and her pack (OMG OMG OMG!) in the woods, and her wolf refuses to come with her. You aren’t yet a wolf again Arya.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

No Bran this week.

#NotAStark

This week, our King In The North, the last son of Ned Stark, who, lest we forget is #notastark, got two important letters, one from Sam, and one from Tyrion. The one from Tyrion was asking him to come to Dragonstone and meet Dany and then bone her…umm, OK, actually is was requesting he bend the knee. But whatever. The one from SAM, pointed out that there’s a giant mountain of dragonglass at Dragonstone. So, Jon’s off south with Davos. The Lords of The North are #notonboard, but he’s leaving Sansa in charge, so that should go well. (I do not anticipate this going well.)

Sam Is A Ravenclaw (Or Possibly A Hufflepuff)

Sam continues to feel useless at Hogwarts, but when he’s standing with the Archmaester, he does get to check out Jorah’s greyscale. Then he sears and cuts it off, and it is disgusting. But hey, Jorah, might not have greyscale anymore? So that’s a win! And Sam does all of this out of memory to Lord Commander Mormont, and comes very short of saying, “I’m a good person, and also your dad was THE SHIT, so you’re not dying of greyscale on my watch, Mr. Mopey Bear.”

How Long Til Jaime Snaps?

Oh, well, since Euron’s likely to sail back to King’s Landing with Ellaria Sand’s head? Which means Cersei will probably marry him? Not long now. Also, he was trying to convince Sam’s dad to fight for Cersei. He did not succeed. I don’t think he’ll be able to succeed in getting many allies for Cersei, since he barely believes in her himself anymore.

People Dany Should 100% Listen To

Olenna Tyrell and Varys. Also Jon. Tyrion had a good plan that did not calculate for Euron and Theon being a total weenie.

Has Little Finger Learned ANYTHING?

Nope. People might remember that once upon a time, Brandon Stark almost killed him in a duel for Cat’s hand. Then there was that time that Ned put him into a wall for hiding Cat in a brothel, and now Jon chokes him out and threatens to kill him if he touches Sansa.

Granted, he did outlive both Brandon and Ned, but still, like, don’t mess with their women, Baelish. It’ll get you beat up.

 

Game of Thrones Winner: “Dragonstone”

GUUUYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!! It’s Back! Winter is here, (well, actually it’s the butt crack of summer.) (And the AC in my house is busted.) (So, not really feeling, the “winter.”) and we’re back in Westeros, and Game of Thrones is back and are you excited? Because I am excited!

It’s time to pick a winner, and well, other things. We have some definite not winners, that’s for sure. The Freys? Not winners. Those people that lived in that house where Beric, Thoros and The Hound were hanging out, definitely not winners. Ed Sheeran? Maybe a winner?

Nah, really, I’ve picked my winner, after some thought.

Danerys Targaryen

gots6dany

She’s barely in the episode, but it’s good stuff. Her walk through Dragonstone, barely believing that she’s finally in Westeros, let alone at the place of her birth is stunning. Her joy at finding Stannis’s war table, at her obsidian throne and her one line, “Shall we begin?” CHILLS, CHILLS.

Runner up is Arya, because, also chills (from when she poisoned the Freys, not from when she had a jam session with Ed Sheeran and his buddies. That was just weird.)

Missandei and Grey Worm Watch 

They’re behind their queen as always, and it’s the best. In other shipping news?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE TORMUND AND BRIENNE A THING SHOW.

Also, Gilly and Sam are adorable.

And I ship Cersei/Euron a little. I mean, it would be terrifying, but also kinda hot.

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa. My love. My true Westerosi soul sister. You’re not going to get anywhere with Jon by telling him your father and brother were idiots (they were) and then comparing him to Joffrey. (She did take this back. Jon is nothing like Joffrey, what a stupid thing to say.) However, the way you are dealing with Little Finger is perfect. Keep doing that, with the cutting him down with your words, and refusing to make eye contact. That was good.

Arya Badass Watch

The whole first scene, with her wearing Walder Frey’s Face, was pure badass. It was really cool, and very quiet and interesting and yet brutal. Well done, Thrones. Less badass? Eating rabbit in the woods with Ed Sheeran. Why is Ed Sheeran in Westeros? I mean, is Tay Tay going to show up too? The scene was fine, and a definite reminder that Westeros is truly screwed up still, from The War of The Five Kings and other stuff…but seriously, why, with the Ed Sheeran? WHY???

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

Bran and Meera are at the Wall. I assume that this is so that anyone gives a shit what happens at the Wall. Also so that he can eventually get to Winterfell, and all of the remaining Starks can give each others hugs.

#NotaStark

This is a new feature where I spend large chunks of the show shouting, “JON IS NOT A STARK ” at random characters. I mean he is, but he also isn’t. He never was he was Snow, a northern bastard, and as it turns out he’s a Targaryen. If they had twitter in Westeros, #notastark would be a thing, and since they now have Ed Sheeran in Westeros, I assume twitter is not far behind.

Sam’s A Ravenclaw (Or maybe a Hufflepuff….)

This new feature will talk about Sam’s days at Hogwarts…I mean The Citadel. He spends a lot of time clearing bed pans and we get a montage of it and its gross, but interesting. Anyway, he talks to one of the Maestars about the end of the world, and we get a monologue about how it’s not the end of the world, so Sam steals some books, learns that Dragonstone is built on a mountain of dragonglass and sends Jon a note.

Oh and who just so happened to move into Dragonstone? Dany! Who needs a whole mess of Dragonstone real fast? Jon! You know who needs to meet? And then get married? And then bone? Jon and Dany! (Not necessarily in that order.)

Oh, also he takes care of people with Greyscale, and one of the is totally Jorah, like, they didn’t even try to hide it.

How Long Until Jaime Snaps?

Well, the death of his last child didn’t do it. Nor did Cersei flirting hard with Euron Greyjoy. Nor did learning that Tyrion is on Dany’s side now.

But this guy has very few straws left on the camel’s back. Something’s going to happen soon.

Other Pop Stars I would Like to see in Westeros:

Taylor (always), Lady Gaga, Lorde, Drake, Justin Timberlake, Any of The Living Jacksons But Especially Janet, Adele, Michael Buble.

Winter Is Here

Not to get overly gushy or anything, but OhMiGod OhMiGod You Guys! Game of Thrones comes back on Sunday.

While it’s a short visit to Westeros (only 7 episodes, although I’m choosing to think of it in terms of the two 7 episode seasons actually giving us 4 more episodes than one 10 episode season would, it’s still hard to stomach the abbreviation.)

I’ve spent a large chunk of my summer trying NOT to obsess over the fact that Game of Thrones wasn’t back and now it’s coming back and OMG I’m so happy that it’s back.

What’s going to be weird is I’ve lost some of my sounding board for the show. Mary and Joe have moved across the country and into a different time zone, so even discussing the show with them is going to be delayed, I will now rely on you, trusty blog folk, even more to flail over episodes with me.  But, since it’s been longer than usual, and because I’ve been avoiding it I haven’t rewatched the show as I usually do leading into the new season, let’s consider where we’re at:

Starks:

Jon has been declared The King In The North, and Sansa appears to be the power behind that. Little Finger (BLEH) brought the Knights of The Eyrie to save their bacon, and has declared that he wants the Iron Throne and Sansa as his queen (TRIPLE BLEH). Jon has banished Melisandre, and he and Davos are all set to shift everyone’s attention from King’s Landing to North of The Wall, where the White Walkers continue to grow in power.

Oh, also, Jon is actually the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, and is possibly, if Lyanna and Rhaegar were married the true heir to the Iron Throne, a prime candidate to be The Prince That Was Promised, and will, if all badassness is to be fulfilled, become the rider of one of Dany’s dragons. (Probably the one named for his father.)

Or he’ll die, because George RR Martin.

Arya has begun her vengeance quest. We’ll see how that goes. Bran is officially the Three Eyed Raven now, I think?

Lannisters:

Cersei is on the Iron Throne, all her kids are dead, Jaime likely won’t put up with her shit much longer and The Sand Snakes and The Tyrells are coming for her. I want few things in this story more than Jaime killing Cersei and then himself. It feels narratively necessary.

Tyrion we’ll get to later, but yeah.

Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn, Queen of The Seven Kingdoms & Mereen, Breaker of Chains, Khaleesi of The Great Grass Sea & Mother Of Dragons

Khaleesi is headed for Westeros, everybody say WOOO!!!! She’s got a fleet of Greyjoy ships, as well as the ships of the slavemasters, she’s got a crap ton of Dorthraki and the Unsullied on her side, plus she’s got the council of Tyrion Lannister and Lord Varys and Dragons.

We’ve seen pictured of Dany and Jon together, but whether that’s because they have scenes together or Emilia and Kit were just having a chat remains to be seen. BUT OH BOY do I want those two unsmiling hardasses to meet up and scowl at each other.

People Who I Think Are Going To Die

I mean, besides everyone? I do not think that Davos is long for this world, The Lord of Light and Melisandre as his emissary are probably not going to let his rejection stand.

Cersei, as I’ve explained and Jaime after her.

Jorah, also probably a goner, which is a bummer.

People Who May Live But Who I Don’t Think Things Will Work Out So Great For

The Good Greyjoys: I just don’t see things working out for Yara and Theon. Euron is supposed to be the most sadistic and terrifying villain we’ve seen yet, according to Martin, and he’s been thwarted by his niece and disgraced nephew, which I do not think he will take well. Also, it’s not like, out of the question that Arya: Spirit of Lady Stoneheart decides that Theon’s redemption is bullshit and murders the crap out of him.

Sansa: Too much went Sansa’s way last season. It was awesome, don’t get me wrong, but she’s long overdue for a large scale setback that is also completely horrifying.

Dany & Jon: Look I want things to work out for these crazy kids. I want them married, ruling Westeros and defeating The Others with dragonfire. BUT, this is Thrones. Martin’s never met a fantasy trope he didn’t subvert, castrate, rape, murder, feed to dogs and then set on fire. Secret son of the king, turned reborn chosen one and exiled princess returning to her true throne 100% qualify as the kind tropes he loves to stomp all over. Thus, I fear that our beloved Prince and Princess Who Were Promised are likely to wind up dead in the snow, their eyes turning blue, servants of the Night’s King. Sam and Tyrion will likely avenge them. Martin likes them a lot. A little too much, frankly.

People I will Miss Very Much This Season

Margaery Tyrell. King Tommen The Adorable. Ser Barristan Selmy. Shireen Baratheon. Stannis Baratheon. Hodor. The Faceless Man/J’Quen H’Ghar. The High Sparrow.

People I Will Not Miss At All And Thank God They’re Finally Dead/Not Involved Anymore

Walder Frey. Loras Tyrell. Ramsey Bolton. Myranda. The Fucking Waif. Every Single Character In Mereen Who Wasn’t Directly Allied With Dany.

Shipping Things I Want

Yara/Dany

Jon/Dany

Dany/Anyone (Seriously, I ship her with the whole world)

Brienne/Jaime

Shipping Things I DO NOT Want

Brienne/Tormund (DIIIIEEEEE IN A FIRRRREEEEE)

Dany/Tyrion (OK, so there’s one exception I don’t want her with)

Sansa/Anyone

Funny Thing That Happened To Me This Weekend

So on Saturday, my friend Owen mentioned that he started that show and that he’s halfway through season 2 and he hopes that Robb Stark doesn’t get corrupted by his new found power. He asked me if this happens and I half laughed/half cried, “No, Robb does NOT in fact corrupted by power.” Then he said that he didn’t I think that Robb should be the king, to which I replied, “Well, even at the point you’re at no, because I don’t think there should be a king, there should be a queen.”

Then he kept prying about what happened to Robb and I explained that this kind of conversation gets people mad at me, and he said he doesn’t care about spoilers, and everyone who’s watched the show said pretty much in unison, “OH NO, you care about this.”

Because there are spoilers and not caring and then there’s having someone wreck the Red Wedding for you.

Anyway, I told him if he wanted my thoughts, he was free to come read the thousands of words that I’ve written here about the show.

And there are more to come.

Guys, it’s back on Sunday.

Winter is Here.

Game Of Thrones Winner: “The Winds Of Winter”

Winter is here friends and it’s time for us to name a winner for the season finale of season 6. This season has been incredible, a roller coaster ride of girl power fighting and righteous vengeance, and winners were often hard to call.

But I decided that this week, we’re all the winner.

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To represent us all, here’s a picture of me and my friends as GOT characters at my 27th Birthday Party!

Guys, The Game Of Thrones was inside of us all along!

Oh and Jon Snow is actually the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and probably the rightful king of Westeros.

R+L = J is CANON MOTHERFUCKERS AND WE ALL WIN!

OK, I’m kind of kidding. I am naming an actual winner. After much internal debate, I’ve decided that Cersei Lannister won tonight’s Game of Thrones.

Cersei Lannister Season 6

I mean, I didn’t like it. It was brutal and my all time favorite character died in a horrible explosion. (RIP Maergary, I’ll always love you.) She had Franken-Mountain brutally torture Septa Unella, she caused the suicide of her youngest child.

But she is currently sitting on the Iron Throne. Probably not for long. Because Dany is coming and JON SNOW IS A MOTHER FUCKING TARGARYEN!!! But for the moment, she is the Queen of Westeros, sitting on the Iron Throne, she won.

Runner up is Arya, because, DID YOU SEE THAT????

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

They were barely in the episode. But they’re on their way to Westeros. In other Mereen relationship news, Dany dumped Daario, because she needs to marry someone from Westeros to hold the throne and can’t bring her lover. (PLEASE MARRY JON! MAKE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE!)

Sansa’s Agency Watch

Sansa said no to Little Finger, she made Jon The King In The North (OH AND HE’S A TARGARYEN!) Sansa’s running things. I’m very excited about it. I’d rather she be Queen, but Tyrion was named as Daenerys’s Hand, and I’m pretty sure? they’re still married, so that could be a thing for her.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

Arya fed Walder Frey his sons in a pie and then slit his throat. Guys, Arya is the spirit of Lady Of Stoneheart. But oh, was it gorgeous and perfect and glorious. Revenge is Arya’s, and she will not be stopped.

King Tommen The Adorable

Dead. After his beloved wife was blown up (seriously, I knew it was coming and I’m still very upset by it),  Tommen took a dive off of the Red Keep. I’ll miss him a lot. But I think that his death is going to make Jaime snap.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

R + L = J

Bran goes back to The Tower Of Joy and we see Ned and Lyanna, and she makes him promise to protect Jon, because “if Robert knew, he would kill him.” GUYS! We know now, for sure, that this is a thing. We’ve waited so long. And we know now. We know.

So now we wait. We wait until season 7, or until The Winds Of Winter comes out, whichever comes first.

I’m kidding it will be the show. The Winds Of Winter is never coming out, probably.

Moving Forward

I know I still have to go back and name winners for Season 3, and I’m going to start on that very soon. Probably in August. When I get a decent enough lead on One Tree Hill, I should be at a point where I can take the 10 hours out to watch it.

I’m also going to invest in the audiobooks. I want desperately to reread them, but the thought of actually rereading just seems horrendous. So, when I run out of podcasts at work, I’m going to listen to them. I’m still figuring out what that will look like here, but I’m excited.

And I’m working on a Sansa cosplay. I’m not leaving Westeros behind even a little. I never can at this time of year!

Game of Thrones Winner: “No One”

This week’s winner, is Hamilton!

I’m kidding, and I know I made this same joke on the day after the Tonys last year, but seriously. Hamilton, congratulations, Lin-Manuel and crew. Not that you’re reading this.

Or if you are, um, hi? Call me? Or email me? Can you get me tickets? Anyway…Game of Thrones.

Arya won.

arya-stark

After getting schooled by The Waif last week, Arya ran to Lady Crane, who, by the way, I just realized looks a lot like Catelyn. That’s got to be on purpose. Anyway, she’s dead now because The Waif killed her and then Arya, cut the lights and delivered The Waif’s face to the temple, and then, in her most winningest moment ever said, “A Girl’s name is Arya Stark. And it’s time for me to go home.”

Many years ago, my friend Mouse and I decided that the ending of Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice And Fire we most wanted was “Arya comes back to Westeros and FUCKING KILLS EVERYTHING.” That looks like it’s going to happen now.

Runner Up goes to: Daveed Diggs, Renee Elise Goldsberry and Leslie Odom Jr. Congrats on your Tony wins guys! Renee especially, so glad the world got to see you do Angelica’s rap in “The Schuyler Sisters…”

Nah, for real, the runner up is Missandei, I’ll get into it more below, but she made me so happy this episode.

Missandei And Grey Worm Watch

GUYS! Drunk Misandei! She’s adorable. Missandei’s nerdy joke about translators? Perfect. Grey Worm doing hipster-esque anti humor? INCREDIBLE! Tyrion getting these two to have personalities around him if it kills him? A delight! The look of pure joy and love on Grey Worm’s face when Missandei is giggling at her own joke to the point of snorting? OMG it’s like they read my mind!

Sansa Agency Watch

No Sansa this week, but Brienne pushing The Blackfish, and her meeting with Jaime, all of it being great. And The Blackfish saying “She’s just like Cat,” was heartbreaking and wonderful.

Arya Bad Ass Watch

The scene where she cuts the candle so that she has an advantage over The Waif is insanely badass.

Bran Stark’s Excellent Adventure

No Bran this week.

King Tommen The Adorable

He is trying really hard to screw things up for Cersei, or well, Maergary is probably, because she is the one holding those strings. Tommen has outlawed trial by combat, which means, Cersei is going to have stand before an actual court, which likely will not go well for her.

Kingsmoot

Nothing, no Yara and Theon this week. But the masters showed up, so here’s hoping they get to Mereen soon and save the day. (I would love that.)