On Dating, Nerd Men & Adulting

I’ve dipped my toe back into the dating pool of late. It’s been mostly fun, and I’m enjoying meeting and chatting with new people.

I have decided on something though.

I don’t think I want to date guys who identify as “nerds” in their 30’s anymore. It’s proven exhausting.

Like, if you have nerdy hobbies, that’s awesome! So do I! (Obviously…) But if the first thing about yourself is “I’m a nerd/gamer/comics enthusiast,” I just don’t think it’ll work for me anymore.

I’m sooo not interested in a 30 minute long lecture about why the last few seasons of Game Of Thrones “don’t count” because it’s not George RR Martin’s vision. (I mean, I shut this down, with MOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON MAN!) Or how I just “didn’t get” Batman V Superman. (I assure you, I got it. I just found it terribly dull.) Or how, “Rick And Morty is so funny and smart and how have you not watched it yet?” (Well, I never really connected to Harmon’s writing and humor on Community, so I decided not to watch his other stuff.)

It’s not that I don’t like having those conversations, exactly, it’s just, not important to me when I’m looking for a partner anymore. I don’t want to marry, settle down and have children with a man who’s going to try to convince me of his opinion every time we encounter media.

Because like, if you’re going to be with me, there’s going to be a lot of media consumption, and I’m going to have opinions on it. As are you. And a conversation is one thing…but man, when I acknowledge your point of view and explain mine and then you repeat yours…that’s not conversation, that’s you saying your opinion of a subjective thing is correct and mine isn’t.

Seriously, recently had this conversation.

Me: BvS had some interesting ideas in theory that mostly turned out kind of jumbled and dull in execution.

Guy: BUT SNYDER WAS TELLING A MYTHIC STORY ABOUT GODS AND MEN AND CONSEQUENCES IT SHOULD BE HEAVIER THAN LIKE ANT-MAN OR WHATEVER.

Me: Right, and I get that was the intent, but the movie is just really boring. Also, Ant-Man rules.

Guy: But it wasn’t boring because of Frank Miller and Nolan and and…

I tuned him out at this point because really? Say what you want about Miller’s work (Can be sloppy, ill-defined and kinda fascist) but boring is never an adjective for it. And Nolan’s Bat-movies are great but they’ll never be my favorite version of the character. (Dini and Timm exist) (Also Scott Snyder).

I’ve never met a dude who liked nerdy things but didn’t self identify as nerd who lectured me like this. When these guys talk about Game Of Thrones with me, we talk about the storylines we like and don’t. We talk about Jon Snow’s true identity and what that means for Daenerys. When they ask me about Infinity War they don’t immediately say being sad after that movie is stupid because “everyone is coming back anyway.” (YES I AM AWARE BUT IT WAS VERY INTENSE AND I HAVE FEELINGS AND I UNDERSTAND HOW SERIALIZED FICTION WORKS THANK YOU!) They talk about the cool action scenes and how great Strange and Stark were together.

In the past few months I’ve thought and dealt a lot with “nerd” and “fan” being a cornerstone of my identity. And it just doesn’t feel like enough anymore. I’m not magically going to change my interests, but I’ve come to find that if someone likes Harry Potter isn’t enough reason to want to spend time with them, and certainly not enough to build a life on.

It clicked especially for me when I read Ready Player One, (So, thanks, Ernest Cline, I guess? Your crappy book helped me realize something about myself) and mainly, that people had been telling me I would love it for years. I had kind of an existential crisis. “Is this what people think of me? That I’m just thoughtlessly regurgitating trivia?” Of course they weren’t, they were thinking, “Reenie likes pop culture trivia and action adventure stories. This book sure has those things, I bet she’d like it!” And to be fair, if I’d just sort of stumbled on the book without the hype, that’s likely what I’d have thought too.

I don’t know what my point is exactly, just that as I grow as a person and as I look for a partner, I’ve realized my criteria has been kind of shallow and has lead to some less than fun experiences.

So we’re trying to be more open. We’ll see how it goes.

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